Another weekend, another amazing Lifetime movie. Oh, were you watching some … sporting event or some such? Me, I had my queso with a side of scruffy Rob Lowe while everyone cheered in the living room. #noregrets.
This Lifetime movie combines two of my true loves: true crime and camp. It begins with, “Based on a true story” tagline — which it is, like, barely. I looked it up. I take my job seriously, people. Lifetime’s version is better. Isn’t it always?
We open on a woman sashaying through a bank with a tiny dog. She swans into the safety deposit vault and begins shoving cash into her purse. The bank manager comes in and tells Mrs. Narcy Novack she’s not approved to access the box without her husband. She zips up her bag with the cash inside, and promises that she’ll send her husband along shortly.
(This beginning never actually makes any sense in the context of the movie. Just so you know. Lifetime might want to hire me as a fact checker.)
We pan to a dead man’s feet, tagged in the morgue. The voice over (who is Rob Lowe — why is Rob Lowe doing this movie? He should have just stayed in Pawnee.), says we should start at the beginning. And so we shall!
See, Rob? Look how much fun you were having there!
Smashcut to the Fountainbleau hotel in Miami, where Rob grew up. His dad built the hotel, and they lived in luxury, with celebrity guests and swankiness everywhere. (Also his mom is Candice Bergen. I mean, I guess they cancelled Murphy Brown a long time ago, huh?) He hung out a lot at the Boom Boom Room. As one does.
Now he’s all grown up and still at the Boom Boom Room. We’re treated to a floor show with a very sexy woman. Now I’m feeling bad about eating all that queso. Not really. It was delicious. Rob gazes. He tries charming her, but she plays hard to get, because we are only four minutes into the movie. Her name is — you guessed it — Narcy. (They’ve made Rob Lowe look kinda grungy in this movie, which is a shame. Know your audience, Lifetime.)
We mean, who wants this Rob Lowe?
We want THIS Rob Lowe. And, apparently, a time machine.
We see Narcy at home with her daughter, May. She explains how she’s working at the “restaurant” to make money. She tells her about Rob. May is not impressed, because she is the wise-beyond-her years child in this movie. What up, May. fist pump
One night, as Narcy is leaving the club, she’s attacked by a man waiting outside. It’s pretty scary! But of course Rob Lowe rides to the rescue. Instead of calling the police, they leave in Rob’s fancy car. Narcy is suitably impressed.
He takes her home and once she realizes how rich he is, she … does a stripper routine for him. It’s like a music video? You kind of see her butt! Then they have sex, one assumes.
He wants her to quit stripping and he’ll support her. She tells him about May. He’s very cute about it. I mean, he’s still Rob Lowe.
We mean. Look at that face.
Dating montage. Rob charms May. Soon they visit Candice, who throws some excellent shade (though she is nice to May). When they get back to Narcy’s play, Narcy throws a fit that Rob didn’t stand up for her. So he does the logical thing and proposes. Like, duh. Then she’s happy again. All ladies want is a ring, amirite Lifetime?
The wedding is a classy affair with Hooters waitresses. (Actually, their wings are delicious.) Narcy introduces her brother, Christoban, who is vaguely threatening. (Christoban actually exists in the real crime too, so, go Lifetime?)
A montage of the good years goes by. May graduates, Narcy shops, Rob does cocaine and cheats. You know, the usual.
Rob returns from a business trip and gives Narcy a giant diamond (not a euphemism) when she goes to thanks him (euphemism) he runs off to take a quick shower, which is the universal sign for cheater. She finds a woman’s phone number in his stuff. She whips him with her scarf and throws plates at him. He says, “Come on, what do you expect? We met at a strip club!” She throws a pool ball at his head. He falls to the ground, bleeding, so they make up. Sure!
Could you stay mad at him?
May is all grown up and working with Rob, Candice and Narcy. Candice and May notice Rob’s head wound and it’s totally obvious to them that Narcy did it. Narcy overhears Candice talking smack about her. Rob assures them everything is fine, even though he’s bleeding on his shirt. Narcy takes his shirt and cleans it while she watches Candice and fumes. (This is all important, I swear.)
Some businessman hits on Narcy and she’s into it. Also let it be said that Narcy’s hair is amazing. Candice collapses after taking a sip of her drink. Rob stares at the detergent Narcy was just using. Dun dun dun!
Rob tells Narcy that Candice — who’s in the hospital, intubated — thinks Narcy poisoned her. Narcy starts packing, like all drama queens do when confronted with harsh truths. They fight. Narcy stalks to the safe and discovers he’s changed the code. They slap each other.
Uh oh. That night, while Rob is sleeping, someone comes in and attacks him! They drag him to the room with the safe and demand the code.
He doesn’t show at work the next day, so sweet May comes looking for him. She finds him, bloodied and beaten. He reports the crime to the cops and blames Narcy.
Narcy goes to the cops and confesses. It’s crazy. She shows the cops the money, and also a bunch of compromising pictures of Rob. She pretends that it was all a sex game. The detective, to his credit, is not buying it. And the cops are usually so dumb in these movies!
Good strategy, dude.
Rob can’t press charges because he doesn’t want Narcy releasing the kinky pics to the press. His lawyer’s like, she’s going to kill you. He’s like, ehhh, it’s fine. It’s not fine, dude.
But he is starting to think about leaving. Except Narcy sexs him up. And then he’s like, okay cool. MEN. SO DUMB.
We see Narcy breaking into a filing cabinet and gasping, “His mother?!” (This is another plot point not really explained. I’m assuming it’s Rob’s will and it deeds everything to Candice.)
Candice is drinking several martinis with her dog and dancing with her fur coat. Oh, that’s not a typo, you read that right. Then some guy shows up and smashes her face in. She drags herself inside — it’s terrible and very graphic. Poor Candice!
The next day, Rob has finally taken off his gross glasses so we can see his pretty, pretty eyes. Candice is dead. There was a lot of empty martini glasses found at the scene, which explains the coat dancing, but doesn’t explain why she wouldn’t just reuse the same glass. Narcy shows up and is sweet, but Rob clearly kinda thinks she did it.
Hug it out, boys.
At the funeral, Rob tells Narcy how beautiful May has become, and how Candice would want her taken care of — I assume in the monetary fashion. Narcy looks pissed. The detective tells Rob that Candice’s death was ruled an accident, she was drunk and fell. Rob is like: wut.
Rob has security cameras installed everywhere and buys a gun because he’s finally smartened up. He also begins wearing a bulletproof vest everywhere, even while he’s cheating on Narcy. Not smart, dude.
Rob tells May he’d like to legally adopt her, he wants to make sure she gets all the money. They hug, and Narcy walks in and snarls. (Once again, I’m assuming Narcy is mad because this means the estate will now be deeded to May, or because she’ll have to share all the money with May? Come on, Lifetime! Throw us a bone of exposition here.)
Narcy and Rob fool around as two serious-looking dudes sneak in. They attack him and it’s pretty brutal. Narcy stands over him. Ay! They stab him in the eye! It’s the worst.
Narcy sashays into the hotel, alibing herself all over the place. She assures everyone that Rob is sleeping. Then she goes up to get him and screams she “discovers” his body.
The not-dumb police detective raises his eyebrows at all these developments. Narcy dyes her hair, and at last, we’re back at the opening scene. Except now we also see the detective piecing together evidence from the crime as poor May cries. We realize that Narcy is actually stockpiling money in the safety deposit box. Also how does the opening scene make sense now, where the bank manager says they’re going to need to talk to her husband? Doesn’t everyone know he’s dead at this point? Oh yes. We’ve reached the point in the movie where we must no longer ask questions. Got it? Got it.
Love you too, buddy.
Narcy throws some killer parties, clearly “grieving.” The detective lets May watch her mother failing a lie detector test.
May confronts her mom, who’s lounging by the pool with cabana boys everywhere (seriously). May calls her on her b.s. and Narcy comes running out with — no lie — a crow bar, and attacks her.
The police catch Narcy’s brother wiring money to some convicted felons. May goes to the cops. Coming off her boat, Narcy gets subpoenaed. May froze her assets. Narcy tells her brother she wants May gone.
They track down the hired hand, and find he has a picture of May on him. He basically confesses to everything in two seconds, because we’re almost at the end of the movie.
May’s leaving the deserted office (this is why you should never work late) as the police rush to her. A man tries to jump her in the parking lot but the police save her.
The police track Narcy down. She descends the stairs in … a wedding gown? It’s very Sunset Boulevard, ready for her close up.
Let’s! Bye, Rob!
Did you catch Beautiful Twisted this weekend? Are you a fan of busted Rob Lowe? Let us know below! And check out more movie recaps here.