The Royals Recap: Episode 1.3: "We are Pictures, or Mere Beasts”

It’s fashion week on The Royals, as the monarchy continues to inappropriately mourn their fallen son. As you will soon see, this show is going pretty far off the rails, so this will be our final recap. Sorry, Elizabeth Hurley!

Lecherous Cyrus is doing cocaine and boozing, in case you forgot that he’s a bad guy. He’s also wearing a killer paisley robe, which is our first signal that this episode is about British Fashion Week. He takes a sword and stalks toward his brother. Just when he’s about to charge, the king tells him he’s reconsidering disbanding the monarchy, to give Liam some time to prove his worth.

Eleanor texts her new bestie Ophelia, who’s apparently going to help her with the blackmailing bodyguard situation.

Jasper is onto their plan. He tells Eleanor his backstory, his parents were grifters, he’s from Las Vegas, where he worked security. He says that Eleanor could push the panic button next to her bed at any time, but she doesn’t. You guys, I have issues with this storyline. I think what they’re trying to show is that Eleanor, against her better instincts, enjoys having angry sex with Jasper, but there’s so many things wrong here. It’s not sexy to blackmail someone into having sex with you. It’s terrible and probably illegal and also potentially assault. Of all things: it is not sexy. Also, this plotline totally makes no sense because Eleanor, as portrayed, really doesn’t seem like she’d care if her sex tape were released. So not only does this show play fast and loose with the issue of consent, which is especially troublesome considering the intended audience, but it also is illogical.

Jennifer Lawrence Says No
JLaw does not approve.

At school, Ophelia tries to give the paparazzi the slip. A guy she doesn’t recognize, but who insists he knows her, Nick, offers her a ride on his motorcycle. They use that plotting cop out where Nick says he doesn’t use the Internet, so he has no idea who Ophelia is or why the paparazzi would be stalking her. Ugh. This never happens. I just read a great book where the twist would have been completely impossible had either of the teen protagonists ever logged onto any social media account ever. It made me sad. Ophelia acknowledges he could be a stalker, and then totally goes with him anyway, though she doesn’t give him her actual address — aka the palace. They flirt.

Helena’s staging a photo shoot featuring British designers. Because this is a totally appropriate thing to do, what with Robert being dead for mere weeks. Simon’s annoyed, Liam’s hungover and the cousins predictably look ridiculous. Cyrus and Helena plot positive media coverage of the monarchy. Eleanor is once again wearing a fabulous dress that is totally daytime inappropriate. But as outfitting choices are the least of this show’s problems, we’ll go with it. Seems Eleanor leaked a story to the press about her mom spending 50,000 pounds on lingerie, because Helena blocked her social media accounts. Totally fair! Except her mother eviscerates her by pointing out she doesn’t have a life purpose and will be the most hurt by the disbandment of the monarchy.

Eleanor does the obvious thing and in two minutes plans a fashion show for the same time as her mother’s event. Mother and daughter bicker.

Ophelia’s snooping on her dad’s computer, which seems, like, really safe. Good job, head of security.

The queen is onto Jasper and his fake accent. Here’s a question for you. If the queen were suspicious of her daughter’s SECURITY DETAIL would she not inquire further, to ensure the safety of her offspring? I CALL BULLSHIT. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. I’m starting to get mad now.

Leslie Nope says no.
Leslie does not approve either.

Nick helps Ophelia escape, but the paparazzi catch them anyway. He gives her another ride to her fake drop off, but this time he actually googled her. They flirt some more.

Simon and Liam meet with the antimonarchists. They like Simon, but not Liam. Co-sign, antimonarchists.

You guys. Cyrus walks in on his daughters getting Brazilian waxes. HE THEN TAKES A PICTURE OF THEIR BARE BACKSIDES and threatens to leak it to the press. They spill the details about Eleanor’s show. Gross and wrong, friends. Gross and wrong. Why? Why is this happening to us?

Jensen Ackles cannot take it.
Jensen can no longer take it.

Helena shows up to take Eleanor’s location via dibs. Yup, that’s how it works.

Simon points out that it’s bogus for Helena to compete with her daughter instead of encouraging her.

Liam and Eleanor bond. They decide to go out and blow off their problems. Which seems like a totally good idea for royals. Gemma shows up. Jasper tries to take Eleanor home, but she insists on heading to an afterparty.

You guys. Gemma is drunk driving Liam and his security guard Marcus around. OH MY GOSH THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. He’s the frigging heir to the throne. Can no one tell Gemma no? Also drunk driving is dangerous and terrible, not funny. UGH times one million and a half. Gemma leans over for some naughty business while still driving the car. They crash. OF COURSE THEY DO. Marcus wants Liam to leave, he won’t. Jasper punches Liam out so they can get him out of there. Extraction protocol, you see. Gemma is fine with all of this.

Lea says no.
Lea can’t even speak, she’s so over this ridiculousness.

Eleanor sticks up for Jasper. Jasper helps her with the fashion show. The gang’s coverup works, and Simon tells Liam he’s proud of him, which hopefully makes the future king feel like crap. We can’t tell, though, because he can’t act.

Nick sends Ophelia a fake nose with glasses. She texts him a picture. He just started texting too, you guys.

Eleanor is staging her show at the palace. Helena epically scolds her about taking away something that was special to her, and how everything she does is to protect the family. You know, except for mentioning to anyone that her daughter’s bodyguard seems sketchy.

The queen’s fashion show is a hit. So is Eleanor’s. Don’t these events take an epically long time to prepare? I think we’ll need to let it go.

Ophelia and Gemma chat. Gemma’s cool with the fact that Liam’s chatting up a model he sleeps with sometimes. Ophelia and Liam sneak off together. Marcus follows like an actual good security guard. It’s time for me to say something nice about this show: these two are pretty cute together. I think I’m a victim of the strummy la la music they’re playing the background. Liam tells Ophelia about the car accident.

Simon and Cyrus chat. Simon wants Liam to replace Cyrus on a publicity tour. Cyrus is not pleased.

Helena concedes that Eleanor’s fashion show won. She even planted some positive press for her daughter. Eleanor looks pissed that her accolades weren’t earned. Jasper tries to cheer her up.

Cyrus, of course, knows about the accident. He tells Liam they’re just alike. Liam is not pleased.

Simon tells Helena he’s sad to take the family photo — the first one without Robert. Helena, predictably, is not nice about it.

And that’s a wrap! Tina, what did you think about this week’s episode?

Tina Fey says no thank you.
Exactly, girl. 

What did you think of this week’s episode of The Royals? Are you as done with this show as we are? For more of our recaps, click here

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