Brace Yourselves: Our Recap Of The Awesomely Bad BDSM Movie BOUND

Last week I learned that The Asylum, the film studio behind Sharknado, was releasing a 50 Shades of Grey mockbuster called Bound, starring Charisma Carpenter (aka Cordelia from Buffy) and Daniel Baldwin (aka the Baldwin I always forget about). The film was supposedly released in a limited number of theaters (although none in NYC) on Friday, and is available on some VOD platforms. It’s available on Amazon Instant Video, free for Amazon Prime members, which is how I watched it. Bound will be released on HD online platforms, like iTunes, starting February 10th. I knew the film would likely be a disaster, which is exactly why I sat down to watch it over the weekend. You can watch the trailer here, if you haven’t seen it.

It was bad, guys. But not nearly as bad as I was anticipating. It actually had an unexpected twist that launched this movie above and beyond the levels of WTF-ery I was expecting. If you’re planning on watching Bound, or even reading this recap, honestly, have a glass of adult beverage handy. This film is also pretty explicit, verging on late night Cinemax territory, so be prepared.

The film starts out with a sex scene (told you, it’s kinda raunch) — heroine Michelle underneath a man who has a really bad wolf head tattoo on his back. Less than 30 seconds in, there are boobs. Have to get the boob shot done early for the Buffy fanboys watching for the sole purpose of seeing Cordy topless. After some lackluster sex, Michelle tells Wolf Head guy —who, despite his regrettable tattoo, is pretty straight laced — to leave, because he’s pretty lame. Then, she starts taking care of her own business because Wolf Head guy is, as you probably guessed, a terrible lover. Then her vibrator’s battery dies because life isn’t fair.

Cut to Michelle’s office. She works for her father’s lucrative real estate company, but business isn’t so hot. Her dad, played by Daniel Baldwin, is talking about selling the company. Let me take a minute to point out that in real life, Daniel Baldwin is only 10 years older than Charisma Carpenter and could probably play her brother in this movie. To remedy this very obvious fact, they’ve dyed part of his goatee white. There, now he’s an old man believable of being Michelle’s father.

Now we’re back to Michelle’s house. (This movie has very abrupt transitions that often don’t make sense.) We meet her teenage daughter, who tries to sneak sips of her om’s wine. After Michelle gives her a stern Mom Talk, the two go out to a very fancy restaurant (where one might go on a date, it’s weird), where her daughter continues to try and steal her mom’s booze. At the bar is our hero, the much younger Ryan, who is arguing with a woman, but catches Michelle’s eye. There is a terrible slow motion eye contact scene after he ditches the babe he’s with. He’s walking to the bathroom while simultaneously giving Michelle sexy eyes. When he walks by again (shortest bathroom visit ever) a whooshing sound effect plays, like he’s a supernatural creature or magician. Ryan needs a cape and possibly a top hat, I think.

She forgets to sign her dinner bill and has to go back! Seriously, who does that? Ryan catches her as she’s leaving for the second time. He tries to come off as mysterious, but is mostly just aloof and rude. She is creeped out until he tells her she’s beautiful. He then tells her to have a cigarette with him.

“I don’t smoke.”
“Yea, you do.”

They go outside and he rolls what is either a joint or a cigarette (it looks like a joint, for real). Charisma has obviously never done anything out of line, because she has no idea what to do with this pile of plants rolled in paper.

“I wouldn’t know what to do.”
“Just suck and blow.”

Jokes! Ryan’s got ‘em. She doesn’t actually smoke, but they start necking and kissing, filmed in the same awkward, tilted slow motion as before. And there’s voice over! Of what they’re saying while they’re kissing? I don’t understand, because they aren’t actually talking. But I’m not expecting any of this to make sense. I felt like I was watching this drunk (I swear I wasn’t).

After some heavy petting, she leaves and Ryan tells her tonight he “got the honor of meeting you.” This is probably the nicest thing he says to her during the entire film. They exchange numbers.

She hides Ryan’s number in her underwear the next day, even though she has a cell phone, and debates whether or not she should call him. At home, she gets an unexpected visit. Wolf Head guy is back! Who just shows up without booty calling first? At least he brought food. She lets him in, because food, and he all but proposes. She didn’t even invite you over, Wolf Head! He tries to give her a pair of earrings and she declines. She tells him she isn’t attracted to him because he does things like show up at her home unannounced. This is only 20 minutes into the movie.

She finally gets up the nerve to call Ryan (still hasn’t put his number in her phone for some reason), and decides to just leave work in the middle of the day to go to his friend’s house, where he’s hanging out. His friend is football player-turned-actor Terrell Owens, playing himself. At this point, the movie is becoming painful to watch.

They start drinking, with Ryan insisting they do shots. In the middle of a work day, when she should be at work. This guy is a mess. He starts asking her about her sexual fantasies, which results in an awkward conversation. But who doesn’t love a drunk, manipulative Dom? That’s my biggest fantasy. Oh wait.

So they leave T.O.’s house and it’s magically nighttime. It was like 1pm before? Now they’re at her office because he’s probably never seen an office before? She sits on his lap and another tilty camera slow motion make out session ensues. Instead of saying something like “Would you like to have sex?” Ryan simply asks “Are you down?” Ryan, you are too cool.

Instead of just having sex on her desk like any normal couple would, he tells her he wants to bone her in her brother-dad’s office. He starts taunting her about her daddy issues while she sits in her father’s desk chair. He actually says:

“You just love your daddy. He gives you everything you want.”

I’m dry heaving because I’m laughing so hard. He tells her to masturbate in her dad’s chair and it’s just as gross and awkward as you’d expect. He tells her to put on sexy lace panties and she appropriately responds with, “Whose are these!?” Now I’ve scared the cats because I’m doubled over laughing.

He replies with: “Stop questioning me. You need more training tomorrow…I am your father. I am your master … Be afraid of what I’ll do if you don’t obey me.” Ryan, you are THE WORST.

Now, they’ve gone from brother-dad’s office to a BDSM club. The Dungeon Master has a unibrow. After a quick walk through the play area, they start making out in a dirty hallway while a guy in a gimp mask watches. She isn’t into it and uses her safe word. She somehow already has a safe word and Ryan surprisingly respects it! She wants to leave, so they go to his place, which has a red BDSM room. 

There are maybe 10 gratuitous boob shots in the next scene. She’s blindfolded and he ties her to a chair. After sexytimes, she asks him some personal questions, but he doesn’t answer. No pillow talk for Ryan, I guess.

Brother-dad calls her, upset because she’s supposed to be at work. In the next scene, she’s magically back at her house. Continuity, wherefore art thou?

Wolf Man shows up at her place again, this time with flowers. She tells him to stop coming over uninvited and that she’s met someone else — cue Ryan looking all bad ass in a suit coming to pick up Michelle.

He tells her to turn off her phone and gives her one of those remote controlled butterfly vibrators. Cut to a scene of them at her work luncheon. Her brother-dad is staring into her eyes as Ryan turns up her vibrator. So much awkward grossness happening right now.

They sneak into the bathroom where he makes her down a glass of wine. They start to have sex but then quickly leave. She looks like a hot mess and of course runs in to an important work client she’s been trying to court. Ryan starts cursing at her coworkers like a giant baby and then turns on her vibrator.

Michelle storms out of the luncheon, and it’s magically nighttime. She goes home and her daughter calls her out on her smeared lipstick and calls her old. Rude. Michelle ends the night by watching an instructional spanking video in bed, as you do.

The next morning her brother-dad yells at her for slacking. Apparently Ryan is a “drug dealing car thief” so I guess those cigarettes were joints? Then he calls her a slut. She grovels and spends the rest of the day working.

After a spanking session with Ryan, she asks if he’s ever been spanked. He says yes, but is obviously bothered by talking about it (this guy honestly hates everything). She asks to spank him and he says no. Then he tells her she’s not ready for “his world” because he’s a mega douche. She won’t let the spanking thing go so he tells her to leave. So she goes to a porn shop and pouts! She buys a corset and goes to the BDSM club by herself, wearing her new outfit. And what a coincidence — the BDSM ladies she talks to are the same ladies from the spanking video. The filmmakers obviously had a small budget. The one Domme tells her to stay away from Ryan because he’s an abusive twerp — a “predator,” she calls him. Then she shows her how to whip a guy — who is of course wearing a gimp mask, because no male subs in this movie can be without one.

This is where things really start to get wacky. She comes home and finds Ryan about to have sex with her daughter, who is tied to her bed (the consent here is questionable, but it seems like it was consensual and then the daughter soon became uncomfortable). Michelle tries to attack Ryan, but he stops her and she bites him!

The next day, she goes to work and messes up some important work thing up. Cue downward life spiral! Get it together, Cordy. Ryan starts sending her crazy, abusive texts. Turns out everyone was right! Determined to make the giant mistake named Ryan go away, she goes to his house and punches him in the face! The two engage in a brief fight scene, which is actually pretty violent and disturbing.

She knocks him out and ties him up in his red room. She puts a leather CBT thong on him, and if she pulls a set of leather straps, the thong tightens around his balls. She pulls them, obviously. I wonder why Ryan would have something like this if he doesn’t even like being spanked. Maybe she bought it special? She tells him she’s going to kill him.

She puts a gimp mask on him — the only real mark of a male sub in this film. He tries to apologize and she says she doesn’t want his forgiveness, then she flogs his front. She isn’t being safe about it either, hitting near his face. But he deserves it so it’s okay. Then she breaks his ankle! She leaves him tied up in the room and calls him a twisted little fuck for trying to bone her underage daughter.

The next day she does a power lady walk on her way to work. She is going to fix all the things she screwed up with this newfound power gained from breaking a man’s bones. The movie ends with her saving her dad’s company because she woos the client she embarrassed herself in front of before. But he isn’t any ol’ client. He asks her to dinner, which she accepts. The film ends with this exchange:

“Are you sure you don’t want something a little more kinky?”
“Yes, mistress.”

Roll credits! I need a bottle of something strong!

Have you watched Bound yet? Did you survive?

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