Did you know there was a Lifetime movie on this weekend called Double Daddy? Well there was. And it was magnificent. And because it’s summer, but we all have to be at work — except for those of you who you use the word “summer” as a verb, in which case, I salute you — I watched this movie for you! And, today, I’m going to help you identify if you’re a good mama or a crazy mama, based on what I learned from the film, should you land in a Double Daddy situation. I’ll explain.
1. If you’re the good about-to-bemama, you’ll be away working for the summer, saving money for school, while your high school boyfriend throws a kegger. If you’re the crazy about-to-be baby mama? You’ll have potentially nonconsensual car sex with your about-to-be baby daddy, with the express purpose of getting knocked up because you’ve eyeballed all the expensive merchandise in his house.
2. If you’re the crazy mama, you will wear many, many pounds of eye makeup. And you will take a selfie of yourself biting the positive pregnancy test that you peed on. And then you will Instagram this photo. (Posting a picture to Facebook of the guy you compromised, on the night you compromised him, with the caption “Guess who’s going to be a daddy,” will also help solidify your identity.)
(Seriously this movie is wonderful.)
3. If you’re the good mama, your parents will lightly scold you, then tearily hug you when they find out you’re pregnant. Congratulations! But if your dad, who always wears a leather vest, is less than encouraging … you’re the crazy mama.
4. If you are the crazy mama, your backstory includes a con artist past and an abusive ex. You’re also probably very dramatic, which will serve you well during the high school hallway confrontation, when good mama pushes you and yells, “I’m pregnant, TOO.”
(Seriously, it was glorious.)
5. If you’re the good mama, you and your infertile married sister will tearfully make up right after the shouting match that occurs when she finds out you’re pregnant. (If you’re a blogger who makes your husband watch this movie with you, this is the point when he will say, “Well, that’s just supply and demand.”)
(There’s a movie next week on Lifetime called I Killed My BFF.)
6. If you’re the crazy mama, you must be willing to take prescription drugs to get the attention of your overwhelmed double daddy.
7. Crazy mama, you’re going to have to take a paternity test! Good mama, you’re good!
8. Good mama, you get a baby shower! And even your bummed out, infertile sister will be there, begrudgingly! If you’re the crazy mama, your mom will write you a $100,000 check to get rid of you. (So I mean that’s not terrible — except your dad’s going to steal the money and run, which means you get to move in with double daddy!)
9. Good mama, you start thinking about giving your baby to your infertile sister.
10. Crazy mama, you’ll kill your nasty ex boyfriend when he comes around to blackmail you about your previous miscarriages! Because apparently you’ve tried this scheme before! Seriously, you will murder him, which is kind of a leap because previously you’ve just been Instagramming pics of your pregnant boobs (which you get to show off because you’re the crazy one).
11. Good mama, double daddy will take you to Lamaze! Crazy mama, you get to stalk them and make crazy eyes. And since you’re already filled with a murderous rage, you’ll try to run good mama off the road.
12. Once you start to go off the rails, crazy mama, you get to throw dishes at your mom’s head. But that will backfire pretty quickly and double daddy’s going to get pretty mad and kick you out.
13. Meanwhile, if you’re the good mama, everyone cries happy tears when you tell your infertile sister she gets to adopt your baby! Then you all toast, “to family!”
14. Whether you’re the crazy or good mama, and even though you’re both very pregnant, you still have to go on an all-day field trip to “the wilderness.” Yet the disparity continues: good mama gets to sit with double daddy! Meanwhile, crazy mama has terrible cramps.
15. In the wilderness, there’ll be an epic mama vs. mama confrontation. Crazy mama has a knife! Good mama has to run! And then you both fall down a very steep hill. Good mama? Everyone’s looking for you. Crazy mama? Premature labor for you! In the woods! Sorry about that.
16. Good mama? You’re going to have to deliver crazy baby mama’s baby. IN THE WOODS.
17. Good mama, you get to give birth later, in the hospital. (It will be legit sad when you talk about giving your baby to your sister to raise. Some softies watching might get a little teary eyed.) Especially when your infertile sister says you have to keep the baby, and that she’ll be the cool aunt.
18. Sorry, crazy mama, you end up in jail, because they discovered your ex’s body! And your arch nemesis will raise your son. You lose!
Did you catch Double Baby Daddy this weekend? Will you watch I Killed My BFF next weekend and tell us about it? If you need more movie madness this Monday, you can find our other recaps here.
Image courtesy of Lifetime.