The Royals Recap: Episode 1.2

We’re back for the second episode of The Royals. This week, there’s a garden party with lots of booze. Our invite surely got lost in the mail. To the recap!

Eleanor wakes up next to her blackmailing bodyguard. She makes a grab for his phone to delete the incriminating video, but he catches her. (Also he is not dumb and has the video backed up.) They handily recap for us that he drugged her and then taped their threesome. Apparently two weeks has passed, and they’ve been having angry sex the whole time. Does that make this plotline better or worse? We’re losing our moral center, here. While they’re arguing, Helena knocks. The queen confronts her daughter about her social media exploits. Helena assigns Eleanor to Rachel, who will monitor and approve all social media posts. The world needs more Rachels, amirite?

The Queen Waves
This week, the queen is joining us for our recap. Everybody wave!

Liam and Ophelia are drinking coffee out of twee mason jar glasses that I 100 percent want as the paparazzi snap pics. (I’ve been thinking it over and I only support Ophelia’s name if she is ordered to a nunnery and/or goes insane. Recapper real talk, y’all.)

The castle is getting back to business after Robert’s death.

Head of security Ted tells Helena they’ve received death threats. She’s more interested in bashing Ophelia. (That fees like the name of an alt rock band). She also has an insane potty mouth, which I would really love were it true of the IRL queen. We shall never know, I’m afraid.

The Queen
Please, she’ll never tell.

The queen is throwing a garden party in an effort to make the public love the monarchy so they don’t vote to abolish it. Sure! Liam has to look like the best heir ever. There’s so much other stuff going on in this dialogue, you guys, it’s like exposition overload. We’ll worry about these plot points if and when they become important. I would be the best queen. Look at how good I am at delegating!

Queen Elizabeth
Ugh, the jewelry is amazing.

The guards are attempting to eject a scantily clad blonde, Gemma, who is Liam’s ex. Liam says Gemma broke up with him months ago and is suddenly back now that he’s monarch-to-be. For some reason he doesn’t just say he’s with Ophelia, because drama. Gemma refuses to give up.

Simon points out how crass it is to throw a party right after Robert’s death. Thanks, dude!

The whole family is dressed for the party. Eleanor is wearing a great dress that is clearly for nighttime. The bumbling cousins are in residence. Ted cautions everyone to be careful when greeting the public (the party is ostensibly to honor the British military/plot device). Helena tells Liam she invited Gemma. The royals mingle. Eleanor smokes and chugs champagne, in case you didn’t already get that she’s a bad girl. Liam crowd surfs. You read that correctly. The crowd goes wild. Ted is not pleased. Ted is like the only normal person on this show.

Cyrus tells Liam to get a grip. It’s a pretty good monologue. Liam pouts.

Eleanor and the blackmailing Jasper wander the party. The cousins are accosting Andy Sinclair, an American Olympic swimmer. Eleanor’s interest is piqued. Jasper is mad, but Eleanor points out he can’t control her in public. Why not? Can’t he threaten to leak the tape? Also, if Eleanor is so crass on Twitter as it is, would she really care about a sex tape?

Thumbs up Queen
Sure, let’s just go with it!

Gemma and Ophelia chat. Gemma speaks for me as she mocks Ophelia’s name. Thanks, girl! Gemma bucks stereotypes by being smart and very good at diplomacy. Ophelia challenges her to a drinking game. Seems like a bad idea? They down a bottle of bourbon. Ophelia passes out in the bushes.

Cyrus approaches parliament member James, who missed the morning’s regent meeting. James was busy with shadiness and also he’s sober now. So Cyrus offers him drugs. Then they have sex and Cyrus blackmails him. That was your Cyrus is Terrible moment of the episode!

Helena’s meeting and greeting and dueling with prickly politicians. She eyes one dude in particular.

Simon talks to the servant who Cyrus has taken an unfortunate liking to, Prudence. He helps her prepare the fruit tartlets. They bond.

Liam helps Ophelia home. He tells her Gemma was his first love. Ophelia throws up in front of him.

Many Queens
This is how many queens Ophelia saw before the puking.

Liam hangs out because he doesn’t have anything else to do. Ophelia tells Liam she’s not appropriate for him and his status. He seems to accept it.

Eleanor has picked up the swimmer. Except Jasper knocks him out before sexytimes can commence. Eleanor calls him on his BS and he storms off.

Helena and Ted walk and talk. She again asks him to get rid of Ophelia. Then she retires to her bedroom, where the sexy captain is waiting for her. She’s momentarily surprised, but then they embrace before she kicks him out. Before he goes, he says, “Ellie, I love you.” So, like, what?

Eleanor brings Ophelia a hangover cure and asks for her help, which actually piques my interest.

Prudence shows us she’s carrying around a gun.

Liam asks his dad to delay disbanding the monarchy, to give him a chance. Simon agrees. You guys, Liam cannot act. It’s pretty bad.

Queen waves.
Thanks ever so much for joining us, Queen!

Next episode, it’s fashion week!

Did you watch The Royals? Do you want Eleanor’s dress? Do you wish Liam would spring for acting classes? In the meantime, check out our other recaps here.

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