So the Lifetime movie starring Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell actually did happen! And it was AMAZING. Epic, even! And I recapped it for you!
To the tape!
We open on an idyllic first birthday party. And … there’s a bearded Will Ferrell, holding the birthday girl on her lap, discussing his latest bestseller — a financial manual. He wonders where his wife Kristen Wiig is, and says she’s probably digging in her garden, as she grew up on a farm. Wives! Amirite? (This is actually the kind of nonsensical exposition Lifetime movies always showcase, so good job, team!) A very pregnant Kristen appears, calling from the dock that they should take the boat out. Will exposits that the dock is very rotten, they’re getting it fixed next week. There’s some goodhearted banter about how a super pregnant woman shouldn’t be standing a dangerous and precarious ledge, ha, ha, ha, h — the deck breaks and Kristen falls into the water. We cut to slow mo as Will jumps in after her and pulls her out. (Now there are like six people on the rotten dock, which seems unwise.) Will gives her CPR and she coughs out water.
At the hospital, the baby’s gone. Will cries. It’s very sad, and, I’m realizing that, yup, this is just going to be a straight Lifetime movie. I wasn’t sure, because of the star power involved and the chicanery involving the release date, if we were getting a spoof or a skit or otherwise. But no! We’re getting our usual dose of crazy drama. I could not be more excited.
You know he watched it too.
(Also, this recap is going to be very long, so, sorry if you were planning on doing work today. I can email your boss if you want?)
FIVE YEARS LATER
Will’s Skyping in his office with one of my favorite soap actors ever (and Middle Grade author!) Carolyn Hennesy, his agent. They discuss his latest manuscript and throw in some exposition about how Will’s now sober and also he’s Carolyn’s his oldest friend. (We know this because she literally said, “I’m your oldest friend.” Love you forever for making that line work, Carolyn!) In case you’ve never seen a movie before ever, Will has a bottle of booze stashed in his desk.
Kristen, meanwhile, is selling her gluten-free, organic fare at the town’s farmer’s market — made with her own honey. LOVE IT. Their daughter Sully (yes, her name is Sully, I checked for you) is now six, and Kristen gifts her with a bike. Will worries about her blood sugar and training wheels and helmets, etc., etc., nervous parent.
Kristen further exposits via her friend about how Will has stopped drinking, worries all the time and still can’t get over the accident — even though Kristen has moved on. We’re also handed some exposition about how the couple is looking to adopt, and they’re meeting a new potential birth mother soon. Kristen makes the mistake of wives in Lifetime movies throughout time — she thinks a new baby will fix her husband. Kristen! This never works!
It’s okay, Will. This movie is actually great!
The next day, the new birth mother, Bridget, arrives. Her awe at their giant house is a dead giveaway that this will not end well. Also, I mean, the movie’s called A Deadly Adoption.
Here’s a handy visual!
(I have to say, this movie is really on point. Like when the birth mom drives up, Kristen is randomly watering the bushes, though she’s clearly expecting them. Then she makes some limp observation about how she was … watering the bushes. We get it, Kristen. There’s also a killer closer up of a tea kettle shrieking. They really got all the random bits of off pacing and obvious foreshadowing exactly right. Good job, team!)
There’s awkward small talk, and then Will comes out to meet Bridget. They stare at each other, and then Bridget breaks the family picture she was holding — as if the shrieking tea kettle weren’t enough of a clue.
Bridget was a college student, but she doesn’t want to take out a student loan because she fears going into debt — she’s a fan of Will’s financial tomes, you see. She’s living in a shelter right now, and she’s six months pregnant with a boy. Basically two seconds later Will and Kristen are asking Bridget to come stay with them, because she yells at Sully for not wearing her bike helmet. Man, I love these movies.
Bridget, wearing possibly the most fetching maternity sundress I have ever seen, moves in. More awkward small talk! Then she texts someone, “I’m here.” Then she fulfills a Lifetime movie obligation by ripping Kristen out of a picture of her and Will. GOOD JOB, BRIDGET.
I said tear, Jon. Not crumple.
Now Bridget is wearing maternity lingerie and making it work. Snaps. Bridget mentions wanting to read on the dock, and Will’s like: no. He’s scared of the dock, the lake and the water. (This will become important later, they should’ve put the shrieking teapot on so we were more aware.)
On another Skype call with my beloved Carolyn, she harangues Will about going on a book tour, he says no, because last time he blacked out.
Kristen’s employee Charlie plays the role of the Greek chorus by asking her what she’s doing leaving super hot Bridget alone with Will all day. Kristen says she’s six months pregnant and it’s fine. She forgot about Bridget’s pregnant boobs, which are on full display.
Bridget’s in a coffee shop yelling on her cell phone when Charlie comes in to say hi. Bridget clearly lies, and Charlie makes a really weird joke about Robert having a terrible temper. Bridget throws awesome shade.
Love you forever, O.
Bridget’s taken off Sully’s training wheels as a car comes barreling down the road. A tattooed guy stops her from getting run over. Why, it’s the sketchy ex boyfriend! Good sir, we’ve been waiting for you! Bridget says Daryl should be waiting for her, ‘at the cabin.’ Then she makes Sully swear to secrecy.
Bridget is also very good at walking sexily while very pregnant. Will confesses that he blames Kristen for the accident, and that he’ll never love her the same way again. Bridget can barely contain her glee.
Charlie sees Bridget and sketchy ex having a big fight in the middle of town. Real covert, girl.
Will picks on Kristen for leaving chocolate in the house, where Sully could get to the candy. She tells him to chill out and he storms off.
Ooooh, Bridget’s in the shower, and all the sudden my Lifetime Spidey sense is tingling and I start chanting: She’s not really pregnant! She’s not really pregnant! Sully comes in and spies her … FAKE BUMP! Boom. Called it. She guilts/blackmails Sully into staying quiet.
Bridget lies to Kristen and Will so she can get Sully out of the house. Will sneaks into her room and finds a signed copy of his book. Only it’s signed to Joni. Who … he totally had sex with on his book tour! I did not see that coming!
We’re surprised too, Will!
Will freaks that Bridget has Sully and runs off to find them.
You guys? This movie does not suck!
Will called the police, but he’s not telling them the whole story, what with all the lies and the cheating. The police pull a current photo of Bridget — who is a totally different person.
Sully’s sleeping as Bridget — who is inexplicably still wearing her baby bump — and her ex plan to call Will for the ransom money.
As night falls and Sully doesn’t return, Will confesses to Kristen. Kristen yells at him and runs away, hopefully to call the police and give them this relevant information. Where’s Charlie when you need him?
Bridget has lost the bump and has instead caked on the eye make up, the universal sign of an evil character on a Lifetime movie. Also her ripped jorts are amazing. She tells Sully they’re going to have fun for a few days, but Sully’s stomach hurts. Daryl says to just give her some candy to help with her low blood sugar. BAD IDEA, HOLMES. Thank goodness we had that handy exposition before about how Sully absolutely 100 percent cannot have candy.
Charlie’s out putting up fliers when he spots Dwayne in town. He follows him. Charlie, be careful! He calls Sarah but his cell cuts out. VERY CONVENIENT. He sneaks around the cabin and I am for real nervous, because I have watched these movies before. Dwayne sneaks up on Charlie and punches him out.
They kill Charlie.
Whoa! You know who else is dead? The adoption lady! They killed her, too. The police are suspicious of Will. Kristen doesn’t know what to think.
Bridget gives Sully some candy, in case you weren’t 100 percent convinced she was bad. Dwayne is suspicious of Bridget, which seems wise.
Bridget sneaks over to Will and Kristen’s. She confronts Kristen, and lies that she and Will are going to be together, and raise Sully. Bridget (who goes by Joni now, but I refuse to change this late in the game) also tells Kristen that Will doesn’t love her, and that he blames her for the accident. Turns out that Bridget got pregnant when she slept with Will on the book tour, but she miscarried. And now she wants Kristen’s life. They fight. Bridget wins, and tries to kill Kristen via carbon monoxide.
Will comes home to find Bridget. He does not react to the fact that she’s not pregnant. He calls 911, but she shoots him in the arm! Will rushes her, and she shoots him again. He collapses, and she runs away.
Bridget tries to take Sully and run, but Dwayne is not having it. Bridget shoots him too! Sully freaks out, but Bridget reassures her that she’s her new mommy now.
Will wakes up, finds Kristen and saves her. It’s very dramatic as he carries her out of the smoky garage, bullet holes and all. Good job, you guys!
They have a woozy conversation where Will realizes he must go back out on the water. It is wonderfully dramatic. Will zooms across the lake in his boat, and I have to giggle because Will Ferrell makes me laugh, no matter the circumstances.
I mean, just look at him.
Okay, okay. Back to the action.
Will’s reached the bridge he knows Bridget will have to cross to get out of town. He’s standing in the middle of the road as Bridget and Sully bear down in their truck. Sully makes the car swerve and crash as Will ducks out of the way. Sully runs to Will, clutching her stomach.
Bridget wakes up after hitting her head in the crash, and she is not pleased. She threatens to shoot both of them. Sully walks toward Bridget and then no joke, jumps off the motherf’in bridge.
Will jumps in after her and they get into the boat. The motor take a while to catch, of course. There’s a shot, but it’s Kristen, who shot Bridget, who falls into the water! YOU GUYS THIS IS ALL SO INSANE.
SIX MONTHS LATER
Will and Kristen are tra la la happy, like they weren’t recently stalked by a homicidal maniac. Turns out they didn’t need a baby to solve their problems, they needed a crazed stalker who Will cheated with to threaten their very lives and kill their best friend. They dance in the kitchen together, NDB.
Did you also watch/scream at the TV during A Deadly Adoption this weekend? Let us know below! And if you need more movie madness this Monday, you can find our other recaps here.